Happy days

OK, so the sun is shining and the weather is awesome. It’s a perfect day in the neighborhood and in honor of that today I bring to you Five Things I’m Happy About Today:

1) American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest

I’ve been a bit behind on my reading due to work duties and starting an MBA program, so when I finally got out into the real world and my LCS, I found I had missed the debut of American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest a couple of weeks ago. OMG! A five-part spin off from the oh-so-delicious American Vampire series is better even than a new pair of shoes – and if you’d seen my closet lately, you’d realize that’s saying something.

It’s written by Scott Snyder, who has done such a wonderful job with American Vampire, (up for an Eisner this year) and illustrated by New Hampshire native Sean Murphy of Joe the Barbarian (the comic is also up for an Eisner this year), so I’m expecting great things when I sit down to read to read it later with – what else? – a nice, thick, red, robust Cabernet. In a big-ass glass.

2. Locke & Key Vol. 3

It’s coming out this week. Finally. I have been waiting forever for Volume 3 of this incredible Eisner-nominated Joe Hill-penned comic with beautiful art by Gabriel Rodriguez. I finished Volume 2 months ago, and with a couple of issues of the third story arc sold out at my comic book store, decided to wait for the TPB. It was a long wait, but one that I’m sure will be worth it. Marketing 500 may suffer this week; I’m going to have Locke & Key to read.

My recommendation for this one is what my local watering hole calls a Dirty Mary Martini – a dirty Martini with tomato juice and blue cheese-stuffed olives. They look a little like eyeballs. Perfect.

BTW: Hill tweeted today that the series is set for six books of six issues each: Welcome to Lovecraft, Head Games, Crown of Shadows, Keys to the Kingdom, Clockworks and Omega.

Also, his comic The Cape – based on a short story in 20th Century Ghosts - is up for an Eisner this year. Any chance there’s a new novel on the horizon, too?  That would make me a very, very happy girl.

3. Game of Thrones

Sean Bean aka Eddard Stark

I have been disconsolate since HBO adaptation of Game of Thrones concluded for the season (Oh, Sean Bean, we hardly knew ye) and not even the return of True Blood or making my husband refer to me as Khaleesi has been able to lift my spirits. Sure, I’m now reading the George R.R. Martin novel (Really? Two middle initials?), but the news this week that a comic adaptation of the first book is coming was just the sugar on my Corn Flakes. Bantam Books announced it will be published by Dynamite Entertainment – which also publishes one of my faves, The Boys. (In an ironic twist, The Boys is the kind of book I have to hide under my mattress so my child won’t find it. Is that so wrong?)

Look for Game of Thrones in September. It should go nicely with a good bottle of ale.

4. X-Men First Class

For the past few months it’s been all “Thor” this and “Green Lantern” that, but

James McAvoy aka Charles Xavier

the real star of the show is this X-Men prequel (with a hilarious cameo by Hugh Jackman).

James McAvoy. Michael Fassbender. Be still my aging heart. More importantly (or at least as importantly) an awesome story and cool version of X-Men origins, even if they aren’t really comic-accurate. It was still lots of fun and the opener to what’s expected to be a trilogy – that will conclude about the time I’m 50. Wait for me James McAvoy! By the time you’re my age, I’ll only be, um, 65-ish. We’ll share a yard of ale – just like in the movie. Then I’ll fall asleep.

5. My LCS is up for an Eisner Award

My LCS

Double Midnight Comics, my uber-awesome LCS, is up for a Will Eisner Spirit of Comics Retailer Award at ComicCon. The award is presented annually to one comic book retailer. According to ComicsPro.org, “Since 1993, The Eisner Spirit Award has been presented to an individual

retailer performing an outstanding job of supporting the comics art medium both in the community and within the industry at large.”

Yes. Yes. And yes.

Good luck guys! Here’s to having another Thing to Be Happy About – with a glass of champagne.

Good grief!

I turned 48 yesterday, and as you might imagine at a time like this, I’ve got a lot on my mind as I journey through the midpoint of my life.

For instance, how will I send my son to college? Will I ever be able to retire? Will there be peace in my lifetime? Will I ever lose that Freshman 15? (Granted, it’s been 30 years since I was a freshman, but I remain hopeful.)

Also weighing heavily on my mind is Ben Grimm.

Ian went to DragonCon a few months ago and, nice guy that he is, brought me back a copy of Ultimate Fantastic Four Vol. I. I wasn’t that up on the FF, but I loved the story and learning about their origins. Just one thing continues to nag at me and that’s Ben Grimm.

OK, just consider this: Reed, Sue and Johnny are playing with some serious physics stuff  — the kind you don’t learn in public high school — when Grimm comes to visit his old pal Reed. Through no fault of his, the whole project goes to hell and he ends up as Thing.

And that’s it. He’s Thing. Have you ever stopped to consider the injustice? Reed gets all elastic-like, but when he’s not a human piece of gum, he a relatively normal-looking guy. Johnny gets to go up in flames at will, but when he’s not a hottie of a whole different kind, he’s gets to be the good-looking rogue. And Sue gets to be invisible. Then, when she’s not invisible, she’s the nauseatingly cute-as-a-button girl next door.

Grimm gets superpowers too. And when he’s not a big, powerful, hulking pile of rocks, he’s … a big, powerful, hulking pile of rocks. He never gets to look like a normal guy again. It’s just so frustratingly unfair. And it has been bothering me ever since I finished that FF trade.

It kind of reminds me of the Charlie Brown episode from Halloween. You know the one:

So what do I take from all of this? Ben Grimm is the Charlie Brown of the superhero world. He’s the one who gets the rock. I’m just waiting for the issue when Sue invites him to kick a football.

And I, having a soft spot for the underdog, feel bad for Grimm, just as I do for Charlie Brown. Let’s face it. Charlie Brown is a downer as far as comics go.

Recently my LCS had 75 percent off back issues, so I bought a bunch of old, really cool, collectible Fantastic Fours at an excellent price. Really, it’s the least I could do for old Grimm.

What the frack?

No really, WHAT. THE. FRACK.

They’re cancelling Caprica. You know, because TV networks routinely cancel smart, entertaining, ground-breaking shows. Remember Firefly? Remember Firefly when Nathan Fillion was naked in the desert? Wait, give me a moment to remember …

Sorry, couldn't find that naked-in-the-desert photo. This is the best I can do.

OK, so  I don’t actually remember Firefly being cancelled since I didn’t actually see it when it was new; I didn’t see it until a couple of months ago. But I assure you, if I had watched it back in ’02-’03, I would have been just as upset about its cancellation as I am now about Caprica’s.

We've been cancelled? Are you fracking kidding?

Here’s a question: Why does Caprica get cancelled just as the second season was really heating up, while Dancing With the Stars goes on forever? And ever. And ever. Life is just not fair sometimes.

“We appreciate all the support that fans have shown for ‘Caprica’ and are very proud of the producers, cast, writers and the rest of the amazing team that has been committed to this fine series,” Mark Stern, executive vice president of original programming and co-head of content for Universal Cable Productions, said in a statement from the network. “Unfortunately, despite its obvious quality, ‘Caprica’ has not been able to build the audience necessary to justify a second season.”

Hellooooo? Second season’s already started, dude, could we at least see the rest of it?

No?

Alrighty, then. It’s time to get all activist-like. It’s time to protest this injustice. It’s time to stand up for geeks everywhere and let Syfy know what we think of this decision.

Now.

You can finish reading the latest issue of Brightest Day later. Put the comic book down and tell Stern we want Caprica back and we want it back before it’s actually gone. Or maybe tell him something that makes more sense.

You can e-mail him at mark.stern@nbcuni.com and ask him – nicely – to reconsider. Keeping Caprica in the Syfy lineup will make a whole bunch of geeks really, really happy.

So say we all.

Dear Mark Stern, WHAT were you thinking? Please don't cancel Caprica. Love, Zoe

Fun flea market finds

This is one of my recent flea market finds. I couldn’t pass it up. It was so kitschy, so awful and so over the top that nobody should be subjected to it in all of its ridiculousness.

So I just had to share it with all of you. Behold:

A Marvel swimsuit edition? Really? What the hell were they thinking? It’s just so very  wrong  that it’s … almost right.

I guess what’s really wrong is that the Swimsuit Special theme was popular enough that it ran for five years (1991-1995). How is that possible?

The issue I found was from 1992 and was filled with superheros frolicking on the beaches of Wakanda (“Take a Wakanda the wild side,” was the title of the issue. Ack.) in all their semi-nude glory. But you know how it goes: It’s all fun and games until the skrulls show up.

Which X-Man is that in the little Speedo-y thingy? Looks like he fell asleep on his beach blanket or was stuck in some boiling water with a little salt, later to be served with drawn butter. And those prankish X-Women … it’s just fun in the sun here on wacky Wakanda.

“Cap cools off with a quick splash in the clear, refreshing waters of Black Warrior Creek” Black Warrior Creek? Really? Is that the best they could come up with?

One of the best things about being a superhero model, rather than a mere supermodel, is that you don’t need to worry about the laws of physics as Rogue demonstrates here with a dive off Warrior Falls, hair — and bikini top — intact. Take that Elle MacPherson.

Another example is below with Silver Sable’s gravity defying dive prep in this pic from the 1993 issue. Check out the hand grenade.

Look at these next two images — I dare you. These kind of makes you want to rip your own retinas out, don’t they? Some things just should never, ever be viewed by the eyes of  mere mortals.

Eww. That’s all I have to say.

That was from my 1992 issue. But even more frightening is this from the 1995 issue:

OMG. I know Scallop shells usually have a jewel inside, but not the family jewels. That’s not even a very big scallop shell. The only explanation I can think of is Seinfeld-like shrinkage due to the cool waters. Although I never imagined the waters of Madripoor, the fictional comic book island located in Southeast Asia, would be quite that cool. Poor substandard Sub-Mariner.

Meanwhile, back in Wakanda …

I know the caption says Bishop, Cyclops and Gambit are taking an early-morning jog on Panther Island, but it looks more  like the trio just found out Bette Midler tickets went on sale and they want to be sure to be first in line. If you get my drift. If not, let’s just say Bishop, Cyclops and Gambit are taking an early-morning jog on Panther Island and leave it at that.

And here’s one of my favorites, which appeared in the 1993 issue.  Ghost Rider wearing nothing but a smile.

Had enough? No? Well, here are a few more examples of the Swimsuit Special through the ages— or at least 1991 — 1995.

After that, let’s never speak of this again.

1991

1992

1993

1994

1995? I couldn't find the exact issue this ran in, but I thought it might be '95, since it says "95" at the bottom. Who cares? Whatever the year, It just begged to be included. Dr. Strange, indeed.

Driven to distraction

I’VE BEEN THINKING a lot about driving lately. That’s mostly because my 16-year-old son recently got his license, which was preceded by the 40 hours of practice with a parent the state requires, the many weeks of drivers ed and the first few terrifying days of letting him out in the car on his own.

You can understand why driving – and the zombie apocalypse – has been front and center in my brain lately. So it made sense that a couple of weeks ago “Driver for the Dead,” caught my attention. It was all that driving – and the fact that Scott at my comic store had it as his weekly pick.

I had “Driver for the Dead” in my hand and was debating whether to buy it when I saw it was one of Scott’s picks for the week. Scott’s kind of like my Roger Ebert of comics – I almost always agree with Ebert on movies, and I almost always agree with Scott’s picks. (So, OK, I’m totally not on board with his choice of “True Blood.” But then I didn’t agree with Ebert on … OK, I can’t ever remember disagreeing with Ebert. On the other hand, Scott also likes “The Boys,” the raunchy Ennis and Robertson series that I love, even if I hate myself for it.)

Look! It's Morg- ... uh, Mose Freeman

“Driver for the Dead” is published by Radical Publishing, described by Radical Publishing as “committed to creating quality published works featuring character-driven storylines that truly reflect the creators’ vision.” Or, more succinctly, comics that cost $4.99. But they’re big comics – well over 50 pages, so I really can’t complain. Or I could, but I won’t.

Bet he's never heard THAT one before

“Driver for the Dead” is sort of a horror noir story about Alabaster Graves who drives the dead – and sometimes the undead – to their final resting places. He also happens to be totally ripped, the better to fight monsters with, I assume.

What is up with this woman?

The story starts with a family who has a problem with their child – don’t we all? Mine won’t clean his room. Theirs is possessed. Dad and mom – who looks kind of like Martha Stewart in knee socks – call on Mose Freeman – looking suspiciously like Morgan Freeman – for help with their problem child who is doing the darndest things like spewing snakes out of his mouth. That’s actually kind of funny since the story was written by John Heffernan, screenwriter of the brilliant “Snakes on a Plane” movie. By brilliant, I mean so bad, it’s good. And come to think of it, I think Ebert hated it.

Freeman runs into a small problem – of the deadly kind – and in his dying words, asks the family to call Graves to fetch his body and drive it back to the family crypt.

" I have had it with these motherf---ing snakes on this motherf---ing plane!

Add Freeman’s great-grandaughter Marissa, and that’s the set up. With a good story and fabulous illustrations, “Driver for the Dead” issue 1 has me eagerly awaiting issue 2. In the meantime, I’m off the to comic book store. The new American Vampire, Daytripper #10 and The Calling are all out this week and they’re calling my name. All is right in the world.

Except for the possibility of a zombie apocalypse – I just hope it waits until after issue 2 of “Driver for the Dead” is out.

Now that he has a license, my son drives on our weekly trips to the comic book store

Comic book cover fun

Comic books are a great source of intentional and unintentional humor. Here are a few of my favorite recent finds from the flea market:

And now for Stupid Superhero Tricks ...

I know I'VE always wondered about this. Haven't we all?

Remember: Research shows that key areas of the teenager's brain aren't fully mature until their third decade.

Doesn't he look sharp?

Boy, does his job suck.

So you want to date a superhero?

So many superheroes, so little time

So I stopped at CVS on my way home, and there near the checkout was a tabloid with the headline, “Nostradamus knows your future.”

It really freaked me out. I mean, how does he know that I’m going home to make macaroni and cheese, because my husband’s not home and he does all the cooking? When he’s not here, I usually fall back on the path of least resistance when it comes to food, which usually means mac and cheese. And a glass of wine, which requires no prep whatsoever.

Why would Nostradamus know that and more importantly, why would he care?

It made no sense, but it did get me to thinking about my future. Specifically what my future would be like had I married a superhero instead of my husband.

Then I thought, wait a minute, maybe I don’t want to marry a superhero, I mean, I’ve been reading comics for less than a year and maybe I’m just not ready to commit. Maybe right now I should just settle for dating a superhero.

OK, that seems reasonable, but who to date? So many superheroes, so little time. What’s a girl to do?

I did what any modern girl who’s not ready for online dating would do: I checked out Eight-minute Dating. Eight-minute Superhero Dating. Here’s how it works. You spend eight minutes talking with each candidate, then at the end of the night you let the organizers know which one(s) interest you and leave your number for them. If they’re interested in you, they let the organizers know that and you swap numbers. So I spent eight minutes reading up on each of a handful of superheroes in the quest to find the most datable one. Here’s what I found:

Fast times with Wally

Wally West AKA Flash

So he first thing the guy tells me is “My name is Wally West. I’m the fastest man alive. I’m the Flash.” What does that mean? Fast like a speeding bullet? Or fast like sex on the first date? The guy doesn’t stop moving and I’m getting dizzy and I don’t even think it’s the wine I’m drinking. Which, trust me, I need because the guy is stressing me out. Unlike the original Flash, Barry Allen, who runs the speed of light, Wally (may I call him Wally?) runs the speed of sound, so I can’t hear a word he’s saying, and he’s saying it all really fast. I do catch, however, that in addition to being really, really fast, he’s able to control the speed at which his body vibrates (uh-uh, no way, I’m not touching that one. Come up with your own joke.) He can vibrate at speeds so fast that he’s unable to be seen with the naked eye. I’d never know what this guy was up to. Plus, he’s lived with a lot of women — check the DC database — which is rarely a good sign.

I think I’ll pass on this one.

Clark Kent AKA Superman

OK, even with his buff bod, as Superman’s alter ego, Clark Kent is a dork with a capital “D”. This is the kind of guy who still wears a Members Only jacket and listens to Wham! He’s the kind of guy you love, just “not in that way.” He’s the kind of guy who’s just too nice.

What should I wear to ComiCon?

On the bright side, he’d probably go to ComiCon with me — and dress up as a superhero.

As Superman, he’s more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings, bend steel in his bare hands, yadda yadda. And oh, yeah, there’s that X-Ray vision thing. He’d never use that cheap pickup line “I can guess what color underwear you’re wearing,” although he actually could. And that kind of creeps me out.

Anyways, there’s one other little problem: Clark Kent/Superman has been in this country for 72 years. Anyone ever seen his green card? I have enough problems without waking up to ICE at my front door.

Yo Clark, don’t wake me up before you go go, if you get my drift.

Bruce Wayne AKA Batman

All work and no play...

Sure, he’s handsome; sure he’s rich; but will he be there when I need him? If it’s at night, fuggedaboutit. Picture an idyllic night at the opera. La Traviata is onstage, there are roses, champagne, then suddenly Bruce is gone. Again. It’s another ride home with Alfred while Bruce goes out to fight crime as the Caped Crusader – with that young boy Robin he spends an awful lot of time with.

Face it, the guy’s a workaholic. Every night he’s out and when he’s home, he’s either sleeping, coming up with new gadgets or talking about his job. He’s all “Joker, this, Riddler that.” What about my needs? I can expect a lonely existence. A rich one, but a lonely one. Hm. Wonder what Tony Stark’s doing tonight …

Cocktail hour in Stark land

Tony Stark AKA Iron Man

Rich, brilliant and handsome, he works, but he plays too. Maybe a little too much, but still …he knows how to treat a woman. Not seeing a downside here.

I’ll leave my number – along with ever other woman in the room.

Kyle Rayner AKA Green Lantern

Another guy who can pull off a one-piece bodysuit, Kyle Rayner’s got some good attributes, but he carries a bit of baggage. His girlfriend was murdered and stuffed in a refrigerator, giving new meaning to the term “cold shoulder.” It’s just not the kind of thing a guy gets over real quick, even one with a ring that allows him to conjure up almost anything through sheer force of will.

Lord of the Ring

I had to stifle a giggle when he recited his oath:

“In brightest day, in blackest night
No evil shall escape my sight
let those who worship evil’s might
Beware my power … Green Lantern’s light!”

So I finished it for him:

“Cold hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colours from our sight
Red is gray and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion…”

Sorry, I got a little bit confused there. That last part is actually from “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues. Kyle is not amused.

Small change

Ryan Choi AKA Atom

A professor at Ivy University, Ryan Choi discovers his mentor’s “bio-belt,” which allows him to manipulate size and density — of himself. First thing he does is shrink down to a size so small, that were I to put him in my purse, he’s be lost among the Tic-Tacs, lipsticks, Blackest Night rings and supermarket receipts. Who wants a guy who can get hurt and/or lost so easily? I mean, he’s so small. And gentlemen, if you take only one thing away from this today, take this: No matter what you’ve been told, it does matter.

Dead and Deader

American Vampire 2: Skinner Sweet and friend

With the start of the new season of “True Blood” and next month’s release of the “True Blood” comic it seemed a good a time as any to tap into the current popularity of the undead – both newly dead and long dead.

In other words, zombies and vampires.

The real Henry VIII (top) and Showtime's Henry VIII (above)

My expertise in all things vampire stems mostly from reading all of the Sookie Stackhouse novels released to date and avidly watching “True Blood.” But that’s not a bad thing: For awhile all of my knowledge of Henry VIII came from the semi-pornographic Showtime series “The Tudors,” but that got me to read real history books about Henry VIII. And quite truthfully, if Showtime’s Henry

VIII looked like the real Henry VIII and not Jonathan Rhys Meyers, it surely wouldn’t have captured me quite as it did and I wouldn’t have learned all that history about the Tudors. So All I have to say to all those people who say TV rots the brain is this: Bite me.

So I’ll be camped out on Sunday nights to watch “True Blood,” just like I have every Sunday for the past two seasons, but really, vampires are so yesterday.

Zombies are the new vampires.

Admittedly, they’re not as glamorous as the pasty-faced beauties in “Twilight” or the über randy “True Blood” characters, but they do seem to be enjoying popularity lately. Consider “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,” or the “The Zombie Survival Guide.” Most of what I know about zombies is from the comic “Living with the Dead,” which is a sort of “Bros before hos” look at the end of the world, and “Shaun of the Dead.”

All of this leads us to a couple of my new favorite comic book series: “American Vampire” and “The Walking Dead.”

'No, really, I'm NOT like all the other vampires.'

American Vampire

Each new issue of American Vampire has me bolting down to the comic book store to snap up the most current installment of this Scott Snyder/Stephen King collaboration that has great art by Rafael Albuquerque. It’s two intersecting stories in one: The first about Pearl who wants to be a movie star and the second is about Skinner Sweet, an outlaw-turned — you guessed it — American Vampire.

Sweet is a completely new species of vampire, and as an American, the first of his kind, turned by some Old-World bloodsuckers. And boy is he pissed.

Sweet (top) & Skarsgard (above)

In Pearl’s story it’s 1925 – 45 years later then the start of Skinner Sweet’s story. Pearl, who works three jobs in her quest for stardom, is delighted when she’s invited to a party at the posh digs of producer B.D. Bloch. Of course, she gets more than she asks for and is almost sucked dry by the old-school vampires who are hanging with Bloch. Do you think that’s a metaphor for Hollywood?

Anyways, she’s on the verge of death when Skinner Sweet, who’s been lounging around the swimming pool at her rooming house —and hasn’t aged a day — takes pity on her and turns her.

Pearl is another of the new vampire breed, an evolving species. She and Skinner aren’t the oversexed vampires of “True Blood,” nor are they the nauseatingly moral vampires in “Twilight,” or even the aristocratic Old-World vampires that originally turned Sweet in the old West. Sweet and Pearl have a taste for blood — both literally and figuratively — and they have big sharp teeth and razor-sharp long nails with which to extract their vengeance.

I haven’t settled on the casting of Pearl yet, but I’m thinking Alexander Skarsgard as Skinner Sweet in a movie version, should it ever be made.

The next issue comes out Wednesday.

The Walking Dead

“The Walking Dead” isn’t new, but it’s new to me, so I’m lucky enough to be able to gobble up the 11 TPBs one after another so I can enjoy the story without having to wait for a new installment every few weeks — at least until I finish # 11, anyways.

I just finished #5.

“The Walking Dead” is, of course, about mindless, flesh-eating, rotting, shuffling zombies and the few people who managed not to die and turn into the undead thanks to some unexplained – at least by #5 – phenomenon.

Rick sets off in search of his family

The main character is Rick, who was shot by a criminal and taken to the hospital where he lapses into a coma. When he wakes up almost everyone is dead and zombies are roaming the earth, trying to kill what survivors there are. Quick as a wink, Rick is off to find his family. On the way he finds another survivor who takes him to more survivors, which, lo and behold, include his bitchy, cheating wife and his son. A bit too neat for my taste, but hey, who knows how things will shake out during a zombie apocalypse.

Every time I buy one of these TPBs, I read straight though until I’m done. I can’t put them down. It’s always something new with these survivors; someone dies, someone hooks up, someone accidentally lets a

The reclining dead

bunch of zombies in. And apocalypse or no apocalypse, a lot of what happens is due to nothing more than the nasty side of human nature, which in “The Walking Dead,” doesn’t die with the death of civilization as we know it. Seems pretty realistic, if you ask me.

AMC has six episodes of the story in production and the TV adaptation of the series is set to start in October. According to press reports, AMC’s not going to hold back on the gore — and it will probably look even more gory in color as opposed to the black and white of the comic book. I’d suggest keeping the kiddies away from this one.

For your viewing pleasure are a couple of early photos that have been released. Bon apetit!

Rick sets off in search of his family

The reclining dead

B is for Batman

Well this certainly didn’t go as planned – I was supposed to do a weekly blog item on comics, based on a different letter each week. By now I should be up to about ‘I’ or ‘J’ but instead I’m at ‘B.’

I guess Batman was a no-brainer, although it required Ian to suggest it because I was frozen with indecision.

So he lent me his copy of “The Dark Knight Returns,” which was really quite nice of him, and, although it’s been two months since he loaned it to me, hasn’t asked for it back yet. Then again, he’s been holding my Issue 1 of “American Vampire” and my hardcover copy of “Kickass” as ransom. Well played, Mr. Clark. Well played.

“The Dark Knight Returns” takes place sometime in the future, yet at the 80s at the same time. There is a Ronald Reagan-esque president, Robin is dead and Batman has retired, is 55 years old and facing his own mortality. And things aren’t going so well in Gotham: There are Mutants running amok, Two-Face is on the loose and the Joker is up to his usual pranks.

Gotham needs a hero, so Bruce Wayne returns to crime-fighting — some guys buy a sports car when they hit mid-life; Batman goes back to battling the bad guys. But he’s not quite in the shape he used to be. It’s like “Take that mutant! Oy, my hip.” What do you expect, the guy IS 55 after all. My husband is 55 and I’m trying to picture him in a cape and cowl fighting crime on the mean streets. I’m having a little trouble with that. But he does grill a mean steak and makes a killer Margarita, and really, that’s a pretty good talent that makes the world a better place, too.

Fortunately for the Batman, help is at hand in the person of Carrie Kelly, a 13-year-old who wants to be Batman’s sidekick although I don’t know why she’s so eager to get the job. Seems to me it’s a job that doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of job security. But she’s definitely up for it — she buys a Robin costume (oh the irony!), leaps a few buildings for practice and saves Batman’s life. Holy Halloween, Batman! She’s the new Robin – albeit with a with a wicked pompadour and funky Bono glasses.

The bad guys are all pretty over the top, which is a Batman hallmark. There are the Mutants, a group of retro-futuristic bad guys that look like something out of the “Road Warrior,” which, by the way, I saw for the first time while in London in the early 80s at a bar on Queensway. The bartender loved it and seemed to have it on an endless loop.

That really has nothing to do with anything but it is kind of a nice memory.

Meanwhile, Harvey Dent/Two-Face has returned to a life of crime and while Batman defeats him, all the TV talking heads start debating the merits of vigilantism and pretty much don’t shut up for the rest of the story. Then the Joker wakes up from a catatonic state and wrangles his way out of Arkham Asylum only to start driving people crazy with a weird lipstick that obviously wasn’t approved by the FDA. The Joker gives Batman a run for his money, but as the caped crusader closes in, he breaks his own neck. You gotta give props to someone who can break their own neck. He does it so people will think Batman did it, the police will arrest him and the populace turn on him. But Batman gets away.

“The Dark Knight” returns doesn’t have the lush artwork of some comics and it’s densely written – meaning there’s a whole lot of writing – so it’s a bit meatier than some of your everyday comics. It’s a dark, gritty novel that I’m told, like “Watchmen”, changed the comic landscape — it was named among Time magazines 10 best English language graphic novels ever written. Although not everyone agreed with that assessment. Mordecai Richler, in his 1987 review in the New York Times, wrote: “If this book is meant for kids, I doubt that they will be pleased. If it is aimed at adults, they are not the sort I want to drink with.”

Critics. What do they know? There aren’t that many people I’d want to drink with anyways.

What I read this week

Gosh, it’s been a long time since I was here. This new job involves a lot of hours, leaving me little time (or energy) to do this blog.

When I first learned of the promotion, my initial thought was “If I get a raise, I can buy more comics.” I just didn’t realize that I wouldn’t have time to read them.

Fortunately, this weekend I was able to catch up on a few comics (AND go to Granite State Comicon, where I got a couple more). So here for your reading pleasure is some of what I read this week.

I promise to come back soon.

I, Zombie #1

Loved it. No surprise there since I’ve been eagerly awaiting I, Zombie’s release since it was first mentioned on Vertigo’s blog many months ago. It seemed like such a — pardon me — delicious concept: Gwen works as a grave-digger. Her best friend is a ghost and, oh yeah, Gwen’s a zombie. Here’s the twist: When she eats a brain, she “sees” how the person died. In this first issue, as she chomps away, she “sees” that the recently deceased was murdered and she vows to find out who did it. Kind of like Nancy Drew meets Night of the Living Dead.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #91

I got this one at a flea market and it’s hilarious. On the cover Superman is holding Jimmy up in the air by the collar and Jimmy’s saying “You don’t scare me, super-fink. I’m no stoolie.”

Turns out that “Superman” is a robot owned by the dreaded biker gang the Dragons. Jimmy’s trying to infiltrate the Dragons so he can get a big scoop for the Daily Planet. What pluck! Robin – yes, that Robin – even crosses over to lend a hand. I hope I’m not giving anything away by telling you Jimmy gets the scoop.

In the last strip he’s seen riding off on his motorcycle a la The Wild One with a babe on the back. Quite a stud, that Jimmy.

The Return of Bruce Wayne #1

In this time-traveling Batman story, Bruce Wayne mystifies the locals – mostly because they’re cavemen and he’s crash-landed a rocket, which they refer to in their droll way as his “sky-cart.”

Bruce Wayne seems pretty bewildered and we find out later his superhero buddies are looking for him. They reveal to us that Bruce Wayne has no memory of who he is and what’s happening to him. I know the feeling; I’ve had a few days like that myself.

Here’s the kicker: According to Superman, if Batman returns to the 21^st century on his own everyone dies. Yikes! Things could get tricky.

I can’t wait to get the next issue, especially since at the end of issue #1 he ends up in the time of the pilgrims. Expect a little bit of culture clash.

Girls’ Romances #135

This is another flea market buy. It was hard to resist this wonderfully over-the-top cover. Inside it’s just as side-splitting, although I suspect it wasn’t meant to be.

The issue has several suspenseful (not) tales of romance, all with happy endings, except for the last one which is a cliff-hanger. “Is this the end of the road for Karen and Kip? … You learn the answers in Part 2 of this heart-rending story, in the next issue of Girls’ Romance.”

Whatever. I thought Kip was kind of a creep anyways.

The two best things about the issue were a center spread on “Mad, Mad Modes for Moderns” that showcases some pretty groovy fashion ideas and “Julia Roberts, Romance Counselor.” What training do you need to be a romance counselor, do you think?